How To Crap Your Pants

#1. Ignore all bathrooms. 

    - First off, you want to ignore all bathrooms. For example, turn in the other direction when you see a mens or womens bathroom signs. Hold it.

#2. Squeeze

    - Just ball all of that pressure and tension up into a little ball in your sphincter and squeeze.

#3. Eat a lot of fiber

    - Apples; check, beans; check, medamucil; check

#4. Take Laxatives

     - If the fiber isn't enough you can always try taking some laxatives. For an easy fix get something from McDonalds

#5. Don't wear underwear

     - Underwear helps absorb the mess. Cut out the middle man and get straight to the pants

#6. Do it in public

#7. Make a scene

     - "Cry out, my god! I pooped my pants!". At this point be sure to grab the back of your trousers and run awkwardly away.