Local resident, Jerry Coralus, claims he gets less than 2 hours of sleep at night. The reason, his two year old hemorrhoid talks to him at night.
Jerry's external Hemorrhoid, which he's named Allen, communicates to him telepathically when he's alone in bed. "I got Allen about two years ago when I went on a road trip to Wally World and I've never been able to get rid of him since." Claims Jerry.
He says the hemorrhoid first started talking to him while he was out to dinner with his wife. "The voice came out of nowhere, it was telling me to put my spaghetti on my head and start moving around like a chicken. I asked my wife is she could hear it but she just looked at me like I was crazy. Eventually I poured my dinner out on my head and started moving my arms like a chicken in the middle of the restaurant. I couldn't help it." Things ended up getting worse for Jerry.
"In the last two years I've lost my wife, my kids and my job. Once during a meeting he convinced me to get up on table and fart right in an investors face. The investor punched me in the bottox and Allen was close enough that he popped out and bit the investor on the nose. I can tell you that did not turn out well."
Jerry says things get worse at night time. ""He tells me things, and he never leaves me alone. I'll be closing my eyes about to fall asleep and he'll just wake me up, "Hey Jewwry!" He'll say, "Go fetch me a gwass of miwlk!", or, "Hey Jewwwry! I'm bweeeding! Cweeen mee off wiff your toofbrush!". It's really quite horrible.""
He tells us that doctors are afraid to remove it. "If this doesn't stop I swear to god, I'm going to sit right on a moving chainsaw! You hear that Allen!" exclaims Jerry while screaming between his legs.